He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
