Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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