I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he was CRYING into my vagina
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
