i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
