True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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