The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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