can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize