Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
