Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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