And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
