I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
