I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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