Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
