Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
