so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
