i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
