he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
