I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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