my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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