My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
