I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
