just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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