It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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