Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize