Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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