sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
