i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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