This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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