I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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