Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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