Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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