I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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