Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
