I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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