OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
