Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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