I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
