WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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