he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
