I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
