How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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