I like my sex mixed with concussions.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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