FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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