Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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