Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
