just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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