Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize