so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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