we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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