So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
