remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize