my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize