Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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