we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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