would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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