you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
