Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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