Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
