When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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